I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't deserve a penis
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
