i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
