the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
