new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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