i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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