at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
