I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
