My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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