I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
