Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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