ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
