ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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