My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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