Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
