4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
