Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
