I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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