mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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