i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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