he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
