I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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