so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ketchup is God's man juice
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize