My brain says no but my pants say off.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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