dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
