Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
