Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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