I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
