buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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