I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize