We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
