this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
