shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
