she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
