Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
