Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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