I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
