I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I AM VODKA MAN
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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