someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
