Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm like, not good at living.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
