is your mom at the bar?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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