I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
