you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Randomize
