Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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