I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
