I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
