If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
smell my finger.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
