i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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