Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
