He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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