Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
