This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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