theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize