you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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