i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
