I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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