I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i've created a new STD.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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