why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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