I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
