He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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