This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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