the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
